
Unfortunately when couples marry they do not receive a manual on communication skills. Some couples benefit from pre-marital counseling but often those sessions are not all that effective. So the question still remains, why do couples lack communications skills? One of the most important factors is how you are brought up. Were you brought up in a home where you witnessed loving and respectful communication between your parents? Parents model communication skills to their children. This is one reason it is so important that couples work on their communication skills. The most influential relationship humans have is with their parents. If children see loving and respectful communication growing up they will most likely be able to communicate effectively in their relationships.
Biology is another factor. Let's face it men and women are different, not only physically but also how we communicate. Women by nature are relational where men are more hierarchical, or view the world as how one stacks up to another. Women want to listen to and understand when communicating. Men on the other hand, will try to fix a problem or make a point in their communication. There is nothing wrong with these differences. It is just the way we are wired and socialized. If men and women had a better awareness of how the other communicates I believe that communication in relationships would be more effective. My wife taught me this lesson early on in our marriage. One night she came home complaining about her boss and what a jerk he was. In typical male fashion I started throwing out solutions to her problem. Finally, in frustration she said to me, "You just don't get it do you. I want you listen to me."
When couples come to see me I assess for two things right off the bat. Is this couple here to save their relationship or to end their marriage? Some couples are meant to be together and for others separating is often the best solution. In these cases there is often much contempt or disrespect in their arguments. If a couple is not able to or does not want to argue in a softer more respectful manner it is often an indicator that the relationship will probably end in divorce. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned researcher about what does and does not work in relationships can predict accurately if a marriage is going to last. Gottman states, there are four qualities in the way a couple argues that can hurt a relationship. He calls the four qualities "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. If a couple is aware of these communication killers and work to reduce these qualities in their arguments they will have a more satisfying relationship. Arguing is natural in any relationship and is to be expected. Arguing in a respectful manner will only help to strengthen a relationship.
The good news is that communication in any relationship can be improved. If couples approach each other in an argument and are mindful about how they are communicating that can go a long way. When working with couples I will often ask each spouse to speak to the other as if they were meeting each other for the first time. Think about it. Would you address someone with contempt or criticism the first time you speak to that person? Probably not. Couples counseling is probably the best way to work on communication problems in a relationship. Keep in mind that couples’ counseling is not just for troubled marriages. In addition, I would also highly recommend Dr. John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." His book was a New York Times best seller and is a great resource for couples that would like to work on their relationship together.
There are many factors in having a happy marriage or relationship. Communication is one of those factors. If a couple approaches each other in a warm, loving, respectful manner (even when arguing) they are taking the first step to effective communication and a satisfying relationship.