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Guys do you want to give something that will really excite your Valentines? Check-out the link below.
Seriously, research suggests women are more apt to become amorous if their mate shares in the housework and chores. What are you waiting for clean the bathroom!
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Cambridge-Womens-Pornography-Cooperative/dp/0811855511
Below is a link to an interesting article which I would tend to agree with - One of my patients came to her counseling session excited because she had been reading John Gray's book "Men Are from Mars, and Women Are from Venus". I did not tell her I did not buy into Gray's book. I did not want to burst her bubble, hey I had a patient who was reading outside of her psychotherapy sessions and she certainly was considering her relationships (yessss!)
If Gray was on the mark I guess one could say gender would be an accurate predictor of divorce; John Gottman did a good job of debunking the myth that men and women spoke "different languages" in his research about what makes relationships work and fail. Men and women have different styles of dealing with conflict in a relationship. Women will pursue their partner in an argument while men will reach a point where they shut down or stonewall. Couple's counselors refer to this as the classic pursuing/distancing pattern in marital conflicts. Women who are more relational then men will pursue interaction while men shut down typically to avoid conflict. Gottman suggests that these differences are hard wired after years and years of evolution.
There certainly are differences in the way men and women communicate due biology and socialization but these differences aren't accurate predictors of discord in a relationship or a sign that a relationship will fail. According to Gottman what determines the level of discord is the degree of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling in a couple's communication in conflict but also how well the couple 'repairs' the conflict.
We will probably be hearing more about "Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus" since a media company purchased the rights to John Gray's work.
As my patient finished telling me about "Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus", I smiled and encouraged her to continue her reading outside of her counseling sessions and recommended she read "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", by John Gottman.
Go to a popular news site like The Huffington Post and plug the term "mars venus" into the search field. At least a dozen blogs come up, making reference to men and women speaking "different languages." The dogma of John Gray's "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" is everywhere, and it appears positioned to get even bigger with Summit Entertainment reportedly acquiring the film and TV rights to Gray's franchise.
ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics are individuals who grew up in dysfunctional families that were affected by addiction. I would broaden the term ACOA to include individuals who grew up in a dysfunctional family. While addiction certainly creates dysfunction in a family, children growing up with parents with soft addictions that are not typically associated with alcoholism and drug abuse can also affect children. These children can also have the same relationship traumas that Dayton discusses in her article (the link is below). In addition to soft addictions, parents with depression, anxiety, psychosis, and personality disorders can also affect children.
Attachment theory is about long-term dynamics in relationships, especially the relationship between infant and parents. It is important that infants receive warm and caring interactions with at least one parent for healthy development or secure attachment. If an infant does not receive warm and caring interactions children can develop an insecure attachment style which causes psychological, emotional and adjustment issues as the child develops and as an adult.
These relationshop traumas that occur in infancy and throughout one's development are not unlike Post-Traumatic Stress DIsorder (PTSD) a soldier may experience after going through a horrific experience on the battle field. While maybe not as pronounced as PTSD, the effects of relationship trauma can be seen later in life in present day relationships and interactions. An example of this might be how an individual stays in abusive relationships after experiencing abuse as a child. Often individuals who seemingly are well-adjusted experience distress with the coming or birth of a new child. The birth of a baby or pregnancy can trigger unresolved issues and repressed memories that have been buried for years. Individuals with depression, anxiety, addiction, and a history of failed or chaotic relationships may also be affected by growing up in dysfunctional families.
ACOA meetings are a great place to get support. Unfortunately, there are not many meetings in the Orlando area. Psychotherapy in a safe and nurturing environment can also help these individuals. Relationship / couples counseling can also help individuals who grew up in dysfunctional families. Just as important couples counseling and parenting classes can help parents provide their children the warm and caring interactions needed for healthy development.
In 1980, when the term adult child of alcoholic, ACOA was coined, ACOAs literally came out of the woodwork, testifying in droves to confusion, resentment and hurt that the child within them still hung onto. They reported feeling, at times, like "children walking around in the bodies of grown ups". Both scared and relieved they were admitting how much, after all these years, they still felt haunted by issues from their past. By growing up in families where alcohol had turned the homes they cherished into scary places and the parents they loved into scary people. The tears flowed as they realized that they weren't the only ones who avoided bringing friends home, hid when their parent was drunk and envied classmates with "normal" families.
Great article about a woman and her experiences through the life cycle of a marriage. Funny but also touching. I think I will share this to couples this week during couples counseling. One of the more poignant marriage savers the author writes about was when she realized she "had not promised to be "in love" for the rest of my life but to "love," which often involves a sacrifice of self."
When we said, "I do" and "I will," my husband and I had absolutely no clue what lay ahead in our marital path. We thought we understood the words; we thought we understood the seriousness of the commitments we were making. We thought we knew ourselves better than the minister who provided marital counseling.
via thetandd.com
Reading this article this morning has reinforced my opinion that the men and women serving in that armed services are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to mental health care. My expereince in dealing with the VA is that it is a bureacatic system that is often slow or unresponsive to the mental health needs of vets. This article is another example of how the system is failing veterans.
While medications are necessary to treat depression,anxiety, and PTSD the VA seems to be over-relying on psychothropic drugs. In a recent article written by Keith Alblom, a psychiatrist, he said in no uncertain terms that depression cannot be treated with medication alone. The VA is not providing the psychotherapy and counseling that should be part of veterans' treatment.
Lack of funding and too few trained counselors is part of the problem. The article states that the Army is offering non-drug alternatives like yoga and and accupuncture. Even so it seems like the VA is slow to use newer approaches like mindfulness based therapies and EMDR; two appraoches which have been effective in treating PTSD.
The bottom line is that depression, anxiety, PTSD, addiction and other mental health problems will be increasingly affecting veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afgahanistan. The current system of care for veterans is not adequate and changes are needed.
In his last months alive, Senior Airman Anthony Mena rarely left home without a backpack filled with medications.
via www.nytimes.com
This article about Michael Ferrara and his struggle with PTSD is very inspiring but also points out how the public often views PTSD as a disorder that affects primarily combat veterans. Combat veterans certainly are at high risk for PTSD but civilians are too. Anyone who witnesses a traumatic event or is traumatized by abuse or violence can have PTSD. According to the DSM-IV individuals who experienced or witnessed death or serious injury or the threat of death or serious injury including the threat of physical integrity to self or others can have PTSD.
The article describes his long struggle with PTSD, how he found relief and ho he has empowered himself to help others with PTSD. Ferrara found relief through physical activities that involved repetitive back and forth motions. This is not unlike EMDR, a psychotherapy that has proven effective in treating PTSD and other anxiety disorders. When an individual undergoes treatment with EMDR they deal with distressing memories, images, emotions in a safe environment. Part of the process involves repetitive motion by following the side to side motions of the therapist's fingers, similar to Ferrara's use of repetitive back and forth motions.
EMDR is effective in the treatment of PTSD if you have any questions please contact me. I would also like to know your thoughts about PTSD.
MICHAEL FERRARA HAS trouble pinpointing the exact moment when his life began to unravel. A plausible starting point, though, might be March 29, 2001.
via theweek.com
Unfortunately when couples marry they do not receive a manual on communication skills. Some couples benefit from pre-marital counseling but often those sessions are not all that effective. So the question still remains, why do couples lack communications skills? One of the most important factors is how you are brought up. Were you brought up in a home where you witnessed loving and respectful communication between your parents? Parents model communication skills to their children. This is one reason it is so important that couples work on their communication skills. The most influential relationship humans have is with their parents. If children see loving and respectful communication growing up they will most likely be able to communicate effectively in their relationships.
Biology is another factor. Let's face it men and women are different, not only physically but also how we communicate. Women by nature are relational where men are more hierarchical, or view the world as how one stacks up to another. Women want to listen to and understand when communicating. Men on the other hand, will try to fix a problem or make a point in their communication. There is nothing wrong with these differences. It is just the way we are wired and socialized. If men and women had a better awareness of how the other communicates I believe that communication in relationships would be more effective. My wife taught me this lesson early on in our marriage. One night she came home complaining about her boss and what a jerk he was. In typical male fashion I started throwing out solutions to her problem. Finally, in frustration she said to me, "You just don't get it do you. I want you listen to me."
When couples come to see me I assess for two things right off the bat. Is this couple here to save their relationship or to end their marriage? Some couples are meant to be together and for others separating is often the best solution. In these cases there is often much contempt or disrespect in their arguments. If a couple is not able to or does not want to argue in a softer more respectful manner it is often an indicator that the relationship will probably end in divorce. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned researcher about what does and does not work in relationships can predict accurately if a marriage is going to last. Gottman states, there are four qualities in the way a couple argues that can hurt a relationship. He calls the four qualities "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. If a couple is aware of these communication killers and work to reduce these qualities in their arguments they will have a more satisfying relationship. Arguing is natural in any relationship and is to be expected. Arguing in a respectful manner will only help to strengthen a relationship.
The good news is that communication in any relationship can be improved. If couples approach each other in an argument and are mindful about how they are communicating that can go a long way. When working with couples I will often ask each spouse to speak to the other as if they were meeting each other for the first time. Think about it. Would you address someone with contempt or criticism the first time you speak to that person? Probably not. Couples counseling is probably the best way to work on communication problems in a relationship. Keep in mind that couples’ counseling is not just for troubled marriages. In addition, I would also highly recommend Dr. John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." His book was a New York Times best seller and is a great resource for couples that would like to work on their relationship together.
There are many factors in having a happy marriage or relationship. Communication is one of those factors. If a couple approaches each other in a warm, loving, respectful manner (even when arguing) they are taking the first step to effective communication and a satisfying relationship.
Social media is getting much attention since the 'revolt' in Egypt. Social media, like Facebook clearly is changing our world. However, there are some drawbacks to social media. In the past year I have had a number of couples seek couples counseling because a spouse or partner is spending too much time on Facebook. One frustrated wife described how her husband was on Facebook while they were in bed. Another spouse was angry because her husband had reconnected with an old girlfriend and later found out they had reconnected at a local pub. Another client with a sex addiction used social media sites to hook-up with others behind his partners back.
Does this mean that couples have to swear off Facebook like an Orlando pastor had suggested late last year? No. But couples should be able to talk with each other about how social media affects each other and their relationship. If one partner is uncomfortable with the amount of time the other is spending on Facebook it is a problem for the relationship.
Social media, Ipads, notebook computers don't belong in the bedroom. Whether you are updating your Facebook status or working on a financial spreadsheet it should not be done in the bedroom.
I was working with a couple where the husband thought he had a right to be on Facebook in the evenings. He also thought there was nothing wrong with 'flirting' on Facebook because he was a guy. I asked him to ask himself the question "Is what I am doing in the service of our relationship." He could not answer in the affirmative. If your actions are not in the service of your relationship maybe it is time to reconsider your actions.
The bottom line - Couples should discuss their use of social media and if it is causing a problem in the relationship. Boundaries need to be set - no social media, computers, Blackberrys, Iphones in bed. Agree on a time when there will be no Facebooking, tweeting, texting and the focus will be on the family or each other. Ask the question is what I am doing in the best interest of our relationship?
JONESBORO, AR (KAIT) - Facebook, a social networking website, is an internet phenomenon where you can connect and share with the people in your life. However, for some, that connection isn't so much about building relationships as it is about destroying them.
via www.kait8.com
It is no secret that financial and occupational stressors are factors in mood and anxiety disorders. The research paper below discusses how socioeconomic disparities cause higher rates for individuals who are in lower income brackets. Finances certainly are factors in mood and anxiety disorders. Finances are also a key factor in couples and marital conflict.
Often individuals who would like counseling do not consider it because they think counseling / psychotherapy is too expensive. True, counseling can be expensive. Counseling may be expensive but it is also an investment in your self and /or your relationship. If you had a serious illness you probably would find a way to get treatment. Is your emotional health and relationship as important as your physical health? Perhaps it should be. Studies have shown that individuals who are unhappy or are in unhappy relationships have more serious health issues and on average die ten years earlier than individuals who are happy or are in satisfying relationships. It seems that counseling / psychotherapy is not only an investment in your emotional well-being and relationships but also in your health.
Back to the original point of this post. There are certainly are socioeconomic disparities and increased levels of mood and anxiety disorders reflect that. Some individuals don't seek counseling / psychotherapy because it is too expensive. The truth is that many people do not see counseling as an investment in themselves and their relationships. However, there are individuals who truly cannot afford counseling / psychotherapy. In my practice I do offer a reduced fee to couples and individuals who want to work on their issues and show a demonstrated need for a reduced fee.
The bottom line is that counseling /psychotherapy is an investment in yourself and your relationship. That investment pays dividends in individual well-being and satisfying relationships.
What are your thoughts about finances and counseling?
Database: PsycARTICLES[Journal Article] Socioeconomic disparities in pain: The role of economic hardship and daily financial worry. Rios, Rebeca; Zautra, Alex J. Health Psychology, Vol 30(1), Jan 2011, 58-66. doi: 10.1037/a0022025
via psycnet.apa.org
Great article and a must read for anyone who is affected by their marijuana usage or use by a friend or relative.
NEW YORK — Smoking marijuana has been linked with an increased risk of mental illness, and now researchers say that when pot smokers do become mentally ill, the disease starts earlier than it would if they didn't smoke pot.
